you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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