The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
