I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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