plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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