U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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