my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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