either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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