OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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