Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
