Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize