woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
