No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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