hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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