I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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