oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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