She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
