I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
