she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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