his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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