I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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