Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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