Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
