you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
