sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
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