Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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