I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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