so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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