just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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