apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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