The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
