on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
