I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
