Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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