Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
