im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize