i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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