I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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