He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
