When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
