i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
