I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
