Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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