The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize