I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
