Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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