Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
