I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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