I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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