so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
