I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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