I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im having a threesome with these popsicles
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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