I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
