This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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