Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
