new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
