idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
