if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
it glows. i had to have it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
