Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Pants are for mortals
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
