I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize