very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
