how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
