i need an iv and a liver transplant
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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