Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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