You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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