Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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